rcsi.org Newsletters
March 2008 Newsletter
Microsoft Finds Solution
For Lackluster Vista Sales
Fake News written by James Baughn
from the supply-and-demand-mean-nothing dept.
Redmond, WA – Hoping to turn around dismal sales
trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a
new edition of the so-called operating system, Windows
Vista® Shiny Things Edition tm, which will feature a
$3,950 price tag and “lots of shiny things.”
According to market research, many Pointy Haired
Bosses—the prime target demographic of Microsoft
products—were turned off by Vista’s seemingly low prices.
“Revolutionary paradigm shifts are supposed to cost
more than a few hundred dollars,” explained an industry
analyst. “At least that’s what most corporate drones think.
If Microsoft wants to increase sales, it’s going to need to
convince pointy-hairs that Vista is the best thing since
built-in PC cup holders. The easiest way to do that is to
increase the price and add even more useless features.”
Among those useless features, Vista Shiny Things
includes a set of 5 DVDs, each containing 20% more gold
than standard discs. The extra gold doesn’t add any
functionality, but it makes buyers believe that this is a
“luxury” operating system.
“It’s so simple—developers add granite countertops to
a run-down apartment, and suddenly it becomes a ‘luxury
condominium.’ Now Microsoft adds gold plating to its
run-down operating system, and suddenly it becomes a
luxury must-have software package for elite buyers.”
Of course, the new shiny things require an obscene
level of hardware support. But that shouldn’t stop people
from buying it, even if they can’t run it on their computers.
“Vista Shiny Things is like a diamond ring or a
Hummer—it’s strictly for show. Nobody expects you to
actually use the darn thing for anything practical,” said
somebody we found on the street who was willing to talk to
us. “The price tag reflects that. This product is strictly for
keeping up with the Joneses.”
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