Green eggs & spam: a Twitter poem

Green eggs & spam: a Twitter poem 

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Dennis Van Staalduinen, November 19th, 2009

Beg to Differ is going to take a quick break from our greatest hits series today to reflect on a profound thought. We all love Dr. Seuss and Green Eggs and Ham right? Myself, I’ve read the story to my kids fifty kajillion times. Which got me thinking. Sam I Am is a humourous little fella – in a book….

@SamEyeEm shows off some new features of the interface. But is he perhaps already of the rails and heading for a fall? Read on.

But would you follow @SamEyeEm on Twitter?

@SamEyeEm!
@SamEyeEm!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• Would you become my Twitter friend?

I won’t become your Twitter friend!
To Follow you I don’t intend!

• Would you though, if I ReTweet?

I would not sir if you ReTweet.
You might just be a spamming cheat
I won’t become your Twitter friend!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• Would you post to my #hashtag?
  (I will not block or flame or flag.)

I will not post to your #hashtag.
I won’t debate or wank or brag.
I would not sir if you ReTweet.
Or DM me, or kiss my feet,
I won’t become your Twitter friend!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• But if I link out to your blog?
  Or tag a TwitPic of your dog?

Not for my blog.
Don’t perv my dog!
Won’t use your tag.
That’s not my bag.
I would not sir if you R-T.
Or even if you Follow me
I won’t become your Twitter friend!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• Would you? Could you? If I list?
  I’ll add you twice, oh I insist!

Look buddy, now I’m getting pi….

• You may follow. You will see.
  When Demi Moore, she follows me!

I would not, could not for Celebs.
I will not for your convo threads.
I will not join your Mafia clan
I do not want your virus spam
I do not want to stay up late
To learn about what you just ate.
I would not sir if you ReTweet
My best words you would just delete.
I won’t become your Twitter friend!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• Reply! Reply!
  Reply! Reply!
  Oh could you, would you just reply?

No! No reply! No props! No links!
You cannot spell! Your grammar stinks!
Your thoughts are often just bizarre
You have a dorky avatar.
You tweet ten thousand times a day!
But never anything to say
I would not sir if you ReTweet
I would not for the sake of Pete!
I won’t become your Twitter friend!
I will not follow @SamEyeEm!

• Say! Will this do?
  Will you if I find for you
  A hundred thousand followers too?

But only seven follow you!

• Would you, could you, on TweetDeck?

I would not, could not, on TweetDeck.
Nor will I with another tech.
I won’t on Facebook find your face.
Nor FriendFeed, LinkedIn, or MySpace.
Not in my Outlook e-mail box.
And not with Chrome or FireFox.
Not even Wikipedia
I’m anti-Social Media!

• You will not follow me at all?

Now we’ve breached the firewall!

• Could you, would you, for free stuff?

No swag could ever be enough!

• Would you, could you, if they placed
  “ReTweet” on Twitter’s Interface?

Apologies to Dr. Seuss. Buy this book. It rocks.

Excuse me?

• But when you clicked it you would find
  These Tweets came out all deaf and blind
  With no real chance to edit them
  Then would you follow @SamEyeEm?

Um… no… Where are you going with this?

• No room for context, irony
  Or “Laugh-Out-Louds” oh you will see
  How clean the new ReTweets can be.
  And you don’t have to follow me.

Sorry?

• The best part of this brand new model:
  If just one friend ReTweets my twaddle,
  Ta da! I’m there within your stream!

No, no, what is this evil dream?!?!?

• So now it’s neither here nor there
  Don’t follow me, I just don’t care.
  I may be the world’s biggest Twitterbator…
  But I’ll still CU-L8r G8r

The end… or is it?