Greece was artificially saved today - Hobbes (satire)

Written by Hobbes for FDIC Friday (Banks get shuttered on Fridays)

Wow, slow night. Given the never ending rumors of an IMF-Greece save, am I allowed to wonder what future Friday press releases from the IMF might look like? The FDIC press release would do well as a template:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 9, 2010
Contact: Money Forall
Office Phone: (555) WEP-RINT
Email: forgettakingresponsibilityforyouractions@imf.org

Greece was artificially saved today by the Office of the Creator of the Currency, which appointed the Imaginary Monetary Fund (IMF) as savior. To protect the asshat political and financial elites that ran the world into the ground, the IMF entered into a series of agreements with several other insolvent nations, to magically provide financing and a capital infusion to Greece.

All branches of the Greek government will reopen on Monday with enough capital to last them, oh, maybe another few months. Taxpayers of other nations will automatically, and in most cases unwillingly, become benefactors to Greek public employees. Citizens will continue to receive funding from the IMF, so there is no need for public employees, or union members to change their entitlement beliefs, attitudes, or to learn anything about how the effin’ world financial system is hosed. Understanding and accepting that severe austerity measures must be taken is of course, not recommended. Heck, the Imaginary Monetary Fund has money for everyone. Citizens and union members should continue to use their existing miniscule IQ to demand the status quo until they receive notice from the Bank of Two By Six Up Side the Head that the money and lifestyle to which they are accustomed to never truly existed.

This evening and over the weekend, citizens should dance, drink and be merry. Elected officials all over the world have got this. Checks drawn on banks will continue to be processed. Loan customers can feel free to stop making any and all payments. The banks don’t really need the money as they make up numbers for accounting purposes anyway.

As of March 31, 2010, the IMF had a big-ass list of ‘Troubled Entities’. We had to change the name from Countries to Entities, as we’re forward thinking and want to make sure California, New York and others don’t do anything rash, like get their budgets under control. Now that we’ve “saved” Greece, we’re wondering how long before at least the next 4 Euro countries on the ‘Troubled Entities’ list give us a call. The list is confidential, as we don’t want to cause panic anywhere. That might get some people PIISed at us.

Oh, and of course Greece is going right back into the Troubled Entity list, we’re just not sure where in the pecking order to slot them. Cause none of the bailouts attempted to date have actually fixed any problems, just delayed them.

The IMF and other insolvent countries entered into a loss-share transaction on all the money we just gave to Greece. Every freakin’ country in the world will share in the losses caused by all this stupidity. The loss-share transaction is projected to maximize pain everywhere because nobody is willing to take their required medicine NOW.

The IMF estimates that the cost to the Delusional, Imaginary and Fraudulent Fund (DIFF) will be $0 million. Hey, since we’re pretending that the money we just gave to Greece actually exists, we can also pretend that the cost is nothing. The IMF’s donation to Greece was the "least politically painful" resolution compared to all alternatives. Never mind telling us it didn’t really resolve anything. Greece is the 1st IMF-sponsored country to almost fail this year, but we doubt it will be the last.